Shopping channels

I love shopping channels. One, more than others but really they're all brilliant. Not only are they the last refuge for the glamorous but water retentive among us, but their presenters are truly funny.
My favourite bits are the jewellery shows, when women with pipe-fitters' hands model reasonably priced un-precious gemstone rings. These 'gems' are wonderful - many were discovered just last week while a woman in Goole was having foundations dug for a new conservatory. This means they have not been allocated proper gem names, and instead go by their chemical names such as "chromium diopside" and "monogazatoid distillate".

"I love your necklace, what is that?"

"It's chromium diopside set in 8 carat gold."

"How lovely! Where can I get one?"

"I bought this on the shopping channel, but you could have a go at making one yourself by freezing Fairy liquid in ice-cube trays, then threading tinsel through the chunks. They could melt eventually, but you'll agree it's a stunning look."

"I might try that!"

"Excellent!"

(The above conversation may not, in fact, have ever taken place. I can't be sure.)

But there's something for everyone on this channel, If you're not into jewels, there are vast ranges of clothing for ladies of all sizes (except mine, as people just don't have the time, apparently.) Most of the clothes feature a combination of diamante and gold lame usually only seen in Las Vegas theatres, but -as the presenters emphasise - there's a lot more to them than that:

"There's only one word I can use to describe this - style! The way the embossed owl seems to take flight as the shimmering fabric moves, I don't know if the camera is picking this up, but its eyes almost follow you round the room. And the sequins! Wow. You won't see many of these in the High Street, I can assure you! What do you think, Denise?"

"Well it's fabulous - in fact, I'm in the offing for Widow Twanky in Jack and the Beanstalk next month and I have to say I'm tempted!"

"Oh yes, it would be perfect for that, but don't you agree that the beauty of a garment like this is its adaptableness? This would work just as well in an important business meeting, wouldn't it?."

"Definitely, Cheryl. In fact, I think I'll order two of them, in case I lose the first one."

"Well be quick, because it's approaching limited stock - my producer is telling me that only 50,000 remain - pick up those phones, ladies!"

Of course, I just made all that up, but here are a few examples of genuine statements as uttered by the best value performers on telly - an un-tapped resource of jollity, all of whom deserve knighthoods, in my opinion.

"This ring has a real 3-d quality!"
"chromium diopside is the colour emeralds want to be."
"This definitely looks more expensive than £47.25."

Superb.